Not Much At All..

Lately, I've been feeling uninspired.

As if my senses have been dulled & my appetite for life is stagnant. I can tell when days have turned to weeks & weeks to months & not much is to show for my time.

I guess this is what a sitting duck does: Sits.

I wish I could even say that as I'm sitting I'm gaining some sort of knowledge of myself or exploring different aspects of the world around me.

But I am not.

I'm not particularly bored or unmotivated.

I've just been here.

& I just wonder where here is.

Happy 2nd Year Anniversary to you & I, East Coast!

We get along real well, but I think we're just starting to settle for each other.

Oh Irene!

So Hurricane Irene trudged through the East Coast this past weekend.

I got a call Friday afternoon that my Unit is on standby. Ok, HOOAH!

This was a very long, anxious weekend spent waiting for a call, monitoring Irene's movements & some long overdue quality time with the roommates.

gear READY TO GO!

Seeing the prep for the storm brought back memories of my childhood on Guam. It definitely made me feel homesick for my family.

I have a folder full of Skype Date photos with my family. Here are some of my favorites:

my dad trying to cool the rice down.

sunday brunch time.

i forgot what this was all about, but my brother's face is priceless.

this was on my birthday

my mom was telling us this really epic story about how her & my dad met.

then they both froze because they heard my dad coming.

& this was their look of extreme excitement for the upcoming picture...

birthday cake & song :)

& then they fed each other MY cake -__-"

I love my family ♥

Anyway, I'm glad to know that the casualty numbers are low & damages are currently being assessed. Prayers go out to those severely affected by the storm.

+ 365 Days

This past weekend someone I casually dated about a year ago texted me. It was so unexpected most especially because I hadn’t spoken or seen him since about this time last year. After our “small talk” over text, he invited me to go out for some drinks with him that night. I was tempted to catch up but then I remembered why he was no longer part of my life. So I politely declined & placed him exactly where he needed to be, in my past. His absence has opened up space for others.

The focus though of this whole reconnection though is not about old flames, but more about time & memories.

It’s birthday season & I’m in that reflection phase of the past year. Recalling who I was then, who I am now & who I will be. This past year (along with most of my others) was a roller coaster filled with emotions, mistakes, triumphs, failures, learning experiences, changes… all still sprinkled with support, friends & family, & blessings all around.

The seasons of this past year are filled with distinct memories. This time last year I was romantically indifferent, sitting on my recruitment process for the NYARNG, itching to go back to school. Fall was filled with an excitement of enlisting & a mistake of an affair that led to my demise. Winter was highlighted by visiting my family, friends leaving, recuperating from a heartbreak & prepping for Basic Combat Training. Spring was spent in South Carolina training, training, training to become a Soldier. Finally, this Summer was spent mainly reevaluating the important things in my life, figuring out the things I need to cut out & add more of, & also being a sitting duck until the next season when bigger things are in store for me.

But I think about all those things that happened, most especially the things I lost sleep over or was a nervous wreck about, & it seems so surreal that they are just things of the past now. My life was engulfed by those moments.
& now, they no longer are.

Now, there are different moments.
Mostly with the same people but with some new characters.
Same setting this time around but different atmosphere.
Different mindset.

So here’s to a new year & all the things it’ll bring my way!

Cool Story, Bro!

... is a saying I picked up from my brother...

... who visited me for two glorious week! I can tell you silly stories of how we had a hysterical laughing fit over Chinese subtitles at 1am or how we mimicked each others laughs while walking down the street or how we had epic jam sessions in the car or how we jumped railings to sit on the ledge by the East River or how we went to the same sushi place over & over again or how we made the Brooklyn Bridge our playground. But as I've learned over time, I suck at recounting stories. Plus, stories like those are a lot like inside jokes, funnier to us than anyone else.

It was unfortunate that I had to work while he visited but he managed to keep himself entertained during the day… napping or on the computer. I felt bad for a while that he wasn’t exploring what the city has to offer, except he was always so content with doing just that. It was so refreshing to be reminded that choosing to do nothing is in fact, doing something. I would come home & we would recap our days & he was always happy with all that he’s done, even if an adventure to him is walking to & from Subway for a lunchtime sandwich. I did force him to do one thing with me everyday though & it was usually walking through a park or going out for dinner.

It was just so much fun being with, not only my brother but, my best friend. The simplicity of our friendship is something you just don’t find very often in life... let alone siblings.

Another highlight of his visit was the mish-mash of people it brought together in which we’ve dubbed the NYCC: the NYC Crew. In what appeared to be a random turn of events of people coming & going in my life, it was perfect timing to have my brother, KLB & TGJ here & leaving all at the same time. I’m always nervous about having people from different parts of my life (family, an old college friend & a new friend, respectively) meet. But something I realized is that when you’re surrounded by amazing people, who do amazing things, pretty amazing things tend to happen. It’s as simple as that.

The bittersweet part of this is that all these amazing people left.

Those two weeks made me realize how much NYC isn’t so much of a home but is still a staging ground for what I’m still hoping to be a home & then there’s that cliché saying of, home is where the heart is. Well it’s hard finding a home when my heart is with too many different people all over the world.

Cheesy, I know… but true story, bro.

This Seems So Dramatic.

But emotionally, I feel like I'm rolling down a very, very steep hill of poop.

Oh! But being with my brother was fun & I promise I'll do a recap of that soon.

PeekChurs.

When I go on photowalks I tend to get really frustrated because I can't seem to capture an image the way I want. I have this vision of what I want a photo to look like, but it never turns out that way. I can be pretty harsh on myself when it comes to things like that.

Also, I am still shy about taking pictures most especially of people. I love seeing old men at the park playing chess, cards or mahjong & they just look like a picture perfect moment. I just feel like a stranger taking my picture would make me feel awkward. I would hate to make people feel awkward. I can't wait until my brother gets here, I'll have the opportunity to use him as my subject & the city as my backdrop. Plus, I know he'll be more patient with me & perfectionism.

Anyway, here are some pictures from my last photowalk that despite not being what I wanted, I still enjoy.

I've started a series of these photos.

All taken with my headphones on, at the Subway platform waiting for the train to come.

I'm just glad it was such a beautiful day. Going on my walk helped me explore another part of the city that I would've never found otherwise.

& as far as technique goes, seeing this quote makes me feel a little better..

"There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs.”

~Ansel Adams

No Ordinary Moments

I'm on my way to enjoy a beautiful New York summer day by going on a photo walk. I'm just waiting for my phone to finish charging. In the meantime, I made myself a quick PB&J sandwich, sipping on a beer & I've got my 2011SummerTop40 soundtrack on the background. The only thing that's missing is some good company.

Nevertheless, this moment of content, is something to savor :)

I know this song is old, but I still have it on replay these days. It's such a summer jam & I am in that acoustic mood.

Confidence.

Lately, I've been thinking about the ways I've grown as a person & as a woman. I've been thinking about how I've changed over the past years; how the places I've lived changed me; the things I've accomplished & failed. I've been thinking about my weaknesses & strengths. I've been thinking a lot about the people I care about & how despite distance separates us, my heart will never be in one physical location.

I've been thinking about how I walk differently, some times with an air of authority, confidence, & some times even arrogance. I've been thinking about how my experiences makes me feel mature, as if I am somebody. Some times I feel invincible, as if my heart cannot be easily broken.

Hat: c/o someone who broke my heart

Shades: Paul Frank

Earrings: Forever 21

This picture makes me laugh. I look like I go hard, looking pretty gangsta, if you ask me. But to keep it real, I was born & raised on an island that people think is a fruit & some times regards us as second-class citizens. I'm better about it but still feel insecure about my body. I'm not fragile, but I'm pretty sensitive. I still cry at romantic comedies. I am an idealist. I still want to save the world & the people in it. I still cross my arms because I am insecure & some times feel inadequate.

I am so blessed to have not experience true hardships or real loss in my life (yet). But the focus of this post isn't about how I am so blessed & would never take anything for granted.

This is a post about how I am not invincible & some times my thirst for experiences in this world worries me. I am worried about how at some points my heart feels hardened & mechanic & maybe the experiences I do end up having will be meaningless & I will only have been living a life of crossing things off a list. I am feeling far from God.

Sorry for the messiness & some heaviness in this post but, here's a site of quotes from some of my favorite hip hop artists. It'sIrrational

Personal Time Requires Very Little.

So as I'm about to start off what will be a seemingly busy week of work, traveling & chaos.. & I feel the need to recap my weekend. It's one of those vanity posts :)

I did a whole lot of.. nothing! It was so lovely.
I knew I had to take it easy this weekend when Friday after work I fell asleep getting my hair cut at my salon. My stylist was sweet about it though.. Siiiigh..

Saturday, I spent in bed.. all day. Watching movies, taking naps, & barely getting out of bed to eat. It was much needed after going non-stop for the past two weeks.

Sunday was a little more eventful. I spent the morning chatting with my brother -- offering some sisterly advice. It's weird to think that now we can share relationship stories, failures & triumphs, & we can relate more on our experiences.

I rolled out of bed afterwards, put on a gritty summer outfit -- jean shorts, a bikini top, a light, stripped, button down, a pair of cheap shades & my trusty Vans-- & I jetted!

I ventured to Park Slope to one of my favorite vintage shop, Beacon's Closet. Unfortunately, I didn't find anything that caught my eye.

What did catch my eye though was on my way there, there was a cute restaurant, Peperoncino, with sidewalk seating. I've been on a sidewalk-seating-&-garden-restaurant mood lately, so it was a nice find. I didn't have any food, just a mid-day refresher; their mojitos were so-so, but their margarita was well worth the try.

After I was done journaling, I grabbed an ice coffee & spent the rest of the afternoon in Sunset Park. One of my favorite parks in New York City! I love sitting up on the hill, soaking in the sun & the view with a good mix of music. But the highlight of my time there was catching up with G. & MK. over the phone. It was so wonderful talking to them again. The whole intention of going there was to catch the sunset, but being there since 1pm & waiting until about 8 or 9pm... that was pushing it. So I'll have to come back next weekend for that sunset.

All in all, it was such a pleasant weekend. Not that I was feeling overwhelmed but I could tell my body was not handling the change of pace very well. Even while I was in training we had that one hour of personal time to be on our own, to properly unwind from the events of the day. Well, I can barely get that here. So spending a whole weekend of personal time was exactly what I needed.