Just the Essentials

Eliminating desire for all that doesn't really matter.

~M. Zuckerberg

The simple, yet loaded, question was posed to me a few days ago: What is it you're looking for?

So I've been reflecting on this, or to use RR's metaphor, putting all the puzzle pieces together to make sense of everything.

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what is most important in my life, what it is that I want & how that all fits into what it is I feel my purpose in this life is.

So for the past few years, I've been struggling to remove people, activities, things, & emotions from my life that kept me stagnant & trying to add more of what was most conducive to a life of service. I've been trying to align my desires with a focused life & I can tell you now that it's going to be a life-long process for me. But through this process of stripping down to just the essentials, I've found some direction & it seems like I've narrowed it down.

source: f*ckyeahhappy.tumblr.com

I want to say that I feel like I've had some sort of breakthrough, but I don't. It's almost as if I've known this all along, but was just never able to articulate it. More importantly, now that I can say it, I feel more apt to doing it.

On another note:

November, how did you get here so quickly?!

& I believe my room has an infestation of lady bugs, this is the third one I've seen this week...

& I'm ok with that :)

& if you're curious to know what my answer to the question of, "What is it you're looking for?"

... I answered, "A home."

Home for the Holidays.

I'm reflecting on what Home means to me. A really life-changing experience for me was being a part of & eventually leading my University's Home for the Holidays Service Immersions. During those years, I've dissected & flipped around my definition of home, family, leadership, relationships & purpose.

I can go on as to how my reflections have truly provided me with different perspectives to life and where I fit in it. But for the purpose of this entry I'll keep it as focused as possible.
The holiday season is the time when home & family is most highlighted. I can't think of a time where I want to spend the most time with my family; & at this point in my life, I also think about my future family & creating a home.

So I was so blessed to get to go home this past week. Granted, I missed out on Christmas day & will miss New Year's day with my family.. but it was still just as amazing. The last time I spent the holidays with my family was in 2007.

Since leaving for college, my family & I have only grown closer. I can run to my parents for almost anything. They're still their crazy selves, but I seriously cannot imagine what my life would be like without their unconditional, sometimes stifling but still always appreciated, love and support. My brother is my best friend. Despite our age difference (six years), we still learn important life lessons from each other & share such a strong bond without any judgement.

After this trip, I also realized that genuine, really loud, sometimes annoying, no shame & my-stomach-hurts kind of laughter is a sign that I am home. Granted, I am easily amused & naturally a loud person. But when I find myself to feel so comfortable to be able to laugh so hard, so loud & with such ease, I know I have found home where I am at. I've found that my family & very, very few friends in my life can make me laugh that way & those are the people I feel the most at home with, that I really do consider family.

I pray everyday that I can build something that has even a close semblance of the family that God has blessed me with. To build a kind of home that can be found in the memories that last forever, the ones that no matter where you are at, you can still find it within infused with a love that is so overwhelming.

My auntie introduced me to this song.
She said that our love, for family is described best like this song.

forever we will stay, like a pyramid

& Here is My New York Edition...

This was my DC edition.

The questions:

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

What am I doing? I spend a good portion of my day in an office working with different & often difficult personalities. Each day reminds me of how much the system can be a disservice to us all but also how there are people who are their only barrier. However, I really don't want to limit this answer to what my job is. I cannot let my job define who I am and what I am doing with my life. What I am doing is exploring who I am in the most isolated & independent way I have ever tried. I am creating a home for myself, by myself. I'm stumbling through my own obstacles & overcoming the ones others put before me.

I love where I'm at. New York City has always been a dream of mine. At 13, I first got off a bus onto a bustling street with a twinkle in my eye. Not much has changed ten years later. It's not even New York City that I am in love with, it's Brooklyn. Brooklyn, I feel like it's the place that falls nearly right at the cross section of my current needs & desires. But it's not only about how it's catering to my needs; I can go on about what Brooklyn offers but I think Larry King says it best, "Brooklyn taught survival, not in a morality sense but in a speak-up-for-what-you-want sense. You didn't get far by being shy in that town." That's what I love the most about it. Don't get me wrong, everything that shines ain't always gold (wow, now I'm just stealing lines, credit to Kid Cudi, hah). There are days where I feel exactly like this but I wouldn't be getting the full experience if everything had that twinkle, right?

I've met a character of people here & it's been an adventure getting to know them. But to say that I really know them or even that they know me would be a lie. I think we're no where close to scratching the surface. But also, there are a lot of complexities to getting to know someone & making that judgment call of whether or not you actually like them. Some of those complexities include length of time & consistency & I lack both elements in my social interactions so far here. However, in a city where people are so transient, sometimes all you need is someone's familiar presence & that is something I've been lucky at; lucky enough to find people I can try to build some familiarity with.
It'll never, ever be easy being away from the comfort of family & close friends. I am blessed enough though to at least have my best friend within the same state, hah!

I feel like I'm at the tipping point of all answers. But for right now, that's fine with me.

So..

I always start an entry but feel like I don't have anything significant to write & it ends up getting deleted. But here it is, a jumbled up entry with no real focus to it.

We are more than a month into 2010 & already I think it'll be one for the records. A little bit of nothing and everything has happened so far, so I really don't know why I say that but 2010 just feels like it'll be a year to truly remember.

My sleeping pattern for the past month has been so screwed up. It is nothing new for me to have lucid dreams, wake up drenched in cold sweat, or wake up in a jolt between 12:30-1:15am. I can't find any particular reason why sleep has been a problem lately but it really is bothersome.

Slowly but surely I am learning to cook. I'm making it a goal this year to master common Filipino dishes. I am finally proving to myself that I'm not completely hopeless in the kitchen.. just a little bit hopeless.

Since Christmas my mother has been asking me to make finding a significant other a priority. This quickly becomes a very awkward topic. Recently I found myself saying, "Don't be fooled by the niceties, this could be a bribe to get you to date me..."

Snow upsets me to no end; walking in it, even more so. I will say though that I truly appreciate seeing the sun during the winters here in the East Coast.
But alas, I'm going home in March for a week! Family, sun, & beach.. here I come!!

I miss Seattle a lot & the people & life that it came with. Yes, even a little bit of that college learning business. I'm still learning to love it here in Maryland/DC. It's been quite an experience here, but a lot of my heart still belongs in the 671 & 206.

changes

we are writing down days when bills need to be paid, sending emails to old friends, wondering if we'll receive our checks in time, choosing between job benefits or companies that align with our beliefs, getting excited about new office supplies, keeping track of our professional image, worrying about whether we'll be the other woman or if that even matters. we're trying to figure out if we're growing apart or growing together.. or if we're growing at all. 

mostly battling between what feels right & what is practical. 

image via ffffound

but i'm turning 22 & most days i feel like finding what dress to wear is still the biggest problem in my life.

so maybe things are a little more complicated then i'd like for them to be. but, i still get excited about ice cream, laughter is still always the best medicine. i still love watching animated movies, i will always have my best friend, my family still drives me insane, sun rises & sun sets are always so beautiful, i still cry at the end of Titanic, i still giggle when i talk about boys, i still have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning & love is always amazing. 

i'm leaving home in 22 days. i usually don't count down, but this time feels different. i don't know what different means just yet. i'll save that for another post.

so when i'm in the midst of change & i'm feeling scared & apprehensive.. i know there are some things that never change & i can find comfort and familiarity every where i go. 

on being sick & microblogging!

i've been in bed for the past couple of days. fighting off what seems to be the worst cough that has hit my immune system. while usually i will just brush it off & continue to gallivant, i am taking it quite seriously now & staying indoors. 

i feel kind of lonely, actually. but i honestly feel too weak to call anyone over to entertain me, in all likelihood it would really just be friends watching me lay under my blanket & watch me attempt to hack up a lung.  plus, it would suck to have to get someone else sick. 

& on this microblogging thing. i've been trying to fight it for so long & creating a twitter appeals the very least to me. not to mention, i can't imagine anyone wanting to know what i'm doing/thinking at least every four hours.  

also, a guilty pleasure of mine is style, everything good and evil of it.  & i don't want to use this blog as a way to post up pictures of my material-lusts.. call me shallow.. but that's what guilty pleasures are. sigh.

so i've given in: i've gotten a tumblr. 

& i can't help but be so excited :)

On Coming Back.

I feel like Life paused Me while letting everything continue. Life, then, pushed play on Me after four years. So while some things have been rearranged, I'm scrambling in all the same places.

family & lots of it.

There's nothing like family.  I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have my family.  Nuclear, extended, pseudo, etc. 

Less chaotic? Less stress? More self-esteem? More quiet?

Probably.

Probably not enough love or support.

Not enough laughter, not enough joy. 

Seattle, Washington

Raleigh, North Carolina

Centreville, Virginia

Los Angeles, California

Portland, Oregon

They're everywhere!! 

So, as I'm traveling from place to place, driving hours upon hours, hopping from plane to plane, I'm constantly reminded that these are rare days.  The arguments, short-fuses, yelling, annoyances, tears aren't forever, neither are the my sides are hurting laughter, the pranks, the silly jokes, the pinching of the cheeks, and subtle affirmations. 

pictures later :)

... where the heart is

Some days, home feels further away than others... 

6,000+ miles or not

This is how we say

Good Morning

Buenas Dias

Hello

Hafa Adai

Good Afternoon

Buenas Tatedes

Good Evening

Buenas Noches

and until tomorrow

esta agupa...

Making my bed

For the past two years, I have been sleeping on an air mattress. There are several reasons for this.

One of the reasons is that I kept thinking I was only staying at my apartment temporarily, the concept of two years didn't seem like such a long time.
Two years ago this time, I was a sophomore, working at WPC, and training for a half-marathon. I was in the dorms. I had long hair.
Now, I am a senior, working at Public Health & for JumpStart, and should be training for a half-marathon. I am in an apartment. I have short hair.

Two years is quite a while...

Buying a mattress is an investment. It's a commitment.
I think of a mattress the same way I think of a home. It's a place I want to look forward to going to where I can find warmth and comfort. It's a safe place, a haven. It's a place I can cry and laugh. I grow an attachment to it. I care for it and long for it. I can make memories in it. Sharing is at my discretion and I am extremely careful about it. It is mine.

So, my goal for this year:
I will buy myself a mattress.