Home for the Holidays.

I'm reflecting on what Home means to me. A really life-changing experience for me was being a part of & eventually leading my University's Home for the Holidays Service Immersions. During those years, I've dissected & flipped around my definition of home, family, leadership, relationships & purpose.

I can go on as to how my reflections have truly provided me with different perspectives to life and where I fit in it. But for the purpose of this entry I'll keep it as focused as possible.
The holiday season is the time when home & family is most highlighted. I can't think of a time where I want to spend the most time with my family; & at this point in my life, I also think about my future family & creating a home.

So I was so blessed to get to go home this past week. Granted, I missed out on Christmas day & will miss New Year's day with my family.. but it was still just as amazing. The last time I spent the holidays with my family was in 2007.

Since leaving for college, my family & I have only grown closer. I can run to my parents for almost anything. They're still their crazy selves, but I seriously cannot imagine what my life would be like without their unconditional, sometimes stifling but still always appreciated, love and support. My brother is my best friend. Despite our age difference (six years), we still learn important life lessons from each other & share such a strong bond without any judgement.

After this trip, I also realized that genuine, really loud, sometimes annoying, no shame & my-stomach-hurts kind of laughter is a sign that I am home. Granted, I am easily amused & naturally a loud person. But when I find myself to feel so comfortable to be able to laugh so hard, so loud & with such ease, I know I have found home where I am at. I've found that my family & very, very few friends in my life can make me laugh that way & those are the people I feel the most at home with, that I really do consider family.

I pray everyday that I can build something that has even a close semblance of the family that God has blessed me with. To build a kind of home that can be found in the memories that last forever, the ones that no matter where you are at, you can still find it within infused with a love that is so overwhelming.

My auntie introduced me to this song.
She said that our love, for family is described best like this song.

forever we will stay, like a pyramid

Dear God:
I think You're amazing. I really do.
But sometimes, I don't get Your sense of humor.


sigh...
Thanks for everything, anyway though.

Much Love,
Danica

Not Always Safe But Still Present.

It's quiet & wounds are still fresh. The same way dew collects on cold early mornings, silent & pure.

There's no animosity, just part resentment on both parties for having to pick up pieces of my partially shattered ego but mostly broken heart.

But here I am. Even under different expected circumstances, I am still getting exactly what I always hoped for...
A chance for growth and the opportunity to test my strength & ability to love...

Hey Youngin!

Dear 13-Year-Old Self,

Please have more faith in yourself more & love those around you.

I wish I could give you more advice or hints about how the next decade will go for you... but just know, you're so very blessed.

Also, don't worry, I look back at us & still think we're pretty cool. Haha..

Love,
You

& Here is My New York Edition...

This was my DC edition.

The questions:

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

What am I doing? I spend a good portion of my day in an office working with different & often difficult personalities. Each day reminds me of how much the system can be a disservice to us all but also how there are people who are their only barrier. However, I really don't want to limit this answer to what my job is. I cannot let my job define who I am and what I am doing with my life. What I am doing is exploring who I am in the most isolated & independent way I have ever tried. I am creating a home for myself, by myself. I'm stumbling through my own obstacles & overcoming the ones others put before me.

I love where I'm at. New York City has always been a dream of mine. At 13, I first got off a bus onto a bustling street with a twinkle in my eye. Not much has changed ten years later. It's not even New York City that I am in love with, it's Brooklyn. Brooklyn, I feel like it's the place that falls nearly right at the cross section of my current needs & desires. But it's not only about how it's catering to my needs; I can go on about what Brooklyn offers but I think Larry King says it best, "Brooklyn taught survival, not in a morality sense but in a speak-up-for-what-you-want sense. You didn't get far by being shy in that town." That's what I love the most about it. Don't get me wrong, everything that shines ain't always gold (wow, now I'm just stealing lines, credit to Kid Cudi, hah). There are days where I feel exactly like this but I wouldn't be getting the full experience if everything had that twinkle, right?

I've met a character of people here & it's been an adventure getting to know them. But to say that I really know them or even that they know me would be a lie. I think we're no where close to scratching the surface. But also, there are a lot of complexities to getting to know someone & making that judgment call of whether or not you actually like them. Some of those complexities include length of time & consistency & I lack both elements in my social interactions so far here. However, in a city where people are so transient, sometimes all you need is someone's familiar presence & that is something I've been lucky at; lucky enough to find people I can try to build some familiarity with.
It'll never, ever be easy being away from the comfort of family & close friends. I am blessed enough though to at least have my best friend within the same state, hah!

I feel like I'm at the tipping point of all answers. But for right now, that's fine with me.

It Gets Loud In Here Too

In a world filled with noise, we need to quiet ourselves to hear God’s voice.
Paul Borthwick

My Wish for the Next 10 Years...

I was asked this question recently & this was what came out...

I wish in the next 10 years that I can love more and love better. I wish that I can continue to have faith in the power & vulnerability of love. I wish that in 10 years I can continue to grow with the love I receive and am denied. I wish that I can understand and teach that love in its most pure form is simple, unconditional and forgiving. Within the next 10 years, I wish that myself and others will grow with compassion and mutual understanding that love of all kinds is the truth.

I also wish that, I can continue this for 10 more years after..

"In New York, we don't think... We just DO."

Quote courtesy of FA.

From Washington DC, I drove a U-Haul to Brooklyn, NY March 22, 2010. That's about 3 months after I was standing outside my best friend's apartment in Poughkeepsie, NY & I had firmly decided, "I am making a childhood dream happen. I am moving to New York City this year!"

About two months have passed since the move. It has been two months of adventures, new people, new insights, good times and hardships. There's too much of this city I have yet to explore, experience, love & dread. But I've had my fair share of experiences considering my short time here & I am enjoying every minute of it. Even in the midst of confusion & constant noise, I am learning so much & growing from it.

A prominent theme I caught on to: You need a serious ego & backbone to survive here. Survival versus living. Anyone can live in New York City. But this is a city you need to survive in. It will chew you up, swallow, spit you back out & repeat if not proceeded with caution. A constant struggle, sink or swim, do or die, go big or go home... I think all those cliches were born in NYC.. & possibly perfected elsewhere.

Whether you'll survive is grounded in how much you believe in yourself mentally, emotionally, & physically and whether or not you can say yes or no with conviction & I see the difference between surviving & living. If you don't have either, you better start working on it.

But how elitist of me to say all of that! Who am I to say that this only happens in NYC? In a recent e-mail response to some of my observations here a good friend of mine said, "New York may not be built for the weak, but I think simply living is not for the weak." (Thanks for that by the way, BH.)

However, not all my reflections of New York City are based on observation of others. There's been a lot of self-reflection. Whenever someone undergoes any sort of significant change, so many questions arise. Who am I? How do I relate in this world, my surroundings & the people in it? ... Just to name a few.

Lately, I've been taking walks along the Shore Promenade in my neighborhood. They've been quiet, considering. But I've been thinking about the questions, the answers, and the attempts to find both...

... time for another stroll.

I'll Explain More Later

i'm full of empty goodbyes.

i guess i was supposed to leave this all behind. it might've worked in a different life but this is the one i have and i'll keep it.

this will be better for me.
there is no other way.

Who Ever Said

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

chocolate peanut butter cookies
LIED!

...or maybe I'm just an epic failure. Sigh.

A Different Type of Serenity Prayer

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Marilyn Monroe

So..

I always start an entry but feel like I don't have anything significant to write & it ends up getting deleted. But here it is, a jumbled up entry with no real focus to it.

We are more than a month into 2010 & already I think it'll be one for the records. A little bit of nothing and everything has happened so far, so I really don't know why I say that but 2010 just feels like it'll be a year to truly remember.

My sleeping pattern for the past month has been so screwed up. It is nothing new for me to have lucid dreams, wake up drenched in cold sweat, or wake up in a jolt between 12:30-1:15am. I can't find any particular reason why sleep has been a problem lately but it really is bothersome.

Slowly but surely I am learning to cook. I'm making it a goal this year to master common Filipino dishes. I am finally proving to myself that I'm not completely hopeless in the kitchen.. just a little bit hopeless.

Since Christmas my mother has been asking me to make finding a significant other a priority. This quickly becomes a very awkward topic. Recently I found myself saying, "Don't be fooled by the niceties, this could be a bribe to get you to date me..."

Snow upsets me to no end; walking in it, even more so. I will say though that I truly appreciate seeing the sun during the winters here in the East Coast.
But alas, I'm going home in March for a week! Family, sun, & beach.. here I come!!

I miss Seattle a lot & the people & life that it came with. Yes, even a little bit of that college learning business. I'm still learning to love it here in Maryland/DC. It's been quite an experience here, but a lot of my heart still belongs in the 671 & 206.