Linger

Do you have to let it linger? 

I thought the world of you. 

I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong. 
I was wrong. 

If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie 

Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used. 

But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you. 

Confidence.

Lately, I've been thinking about the ways I've grown as a person & as a woman. I've been thinking about how I've changed over the past years; how the places I've lived changed me; the things I've accomplished & failed. I've been thinking about my weaknesses & strengths. I've been thinking a lot about the people I care about & how despite distance separates us, my heart will never be in one physical location.

I've been thinking about how I walk differently, some times with an air of authority, confidence, & some times even arrogance. I've been thinking about how my experiences makes me feel mature, as if I am somebody. Some times I feel invincible, as if my heart cannot be easily broken.

Hat: c/o someone who broke my heart

Shades: Paul Frank

Earrings: Forever 21

This picture makes me laugh. I look like I go hard, looking pretty gangsta, if you ask me. But to keep it real, I was born & raised on an island that people think is a fruit & some times regards us as second-class citizens. I'm better about it but still feel insecure about my body. I'm not fragile, but I'm pretty sensitive. I still cry at romantic comedies. I am an idealist. I still want to save the world & the people in it. I still cross my arms because I am insecure & some times feel inadequate.

I am so blessed to have not experience true hardships or real loss in my life (yet). But the focus of this post isn't about how I am so blessed & would never take anything for granted.

This is a post about how I am not invincible & some times my thirst for experiences in this world worries me. I am worried about how at some points my heart feels hardened & mechanic & maybe the experiences I do end up having will be meaningless & I will only have been living a life of crossing things off a list. I am feeling far from God.

Sorry for the messiness & some heaviness in this post but, here's a site of quotes from some of my favorite hip hop artists. It'sIrrational

3 Questions & Some Answers..

A good friend once shared some insight about how to tell if you're content. It can be gauged by 3 questions.

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

If you can answer "Yes" to two out of the three questions, then in general, you're a little more than content with your life.
It's high-stress time for me right now and it makes me think about these things.

I love what I am doing. I love my internship and the little, humbling part I play in the organization. It brings perspective into why I do what I do and why I want to do it. It brings me outside of myself and into the world. But I don't just love the work that I do. I also love what I am doing for myself and the plans I am working hard to make happen. So I love that all the things I am doing brings some balance between what I want to do and what it is I am meant to do.

I am learning to love where I am at. When I first visited Washington DC, I was 13 and it was such an exciting time for me! I was learning the in's and out's of the political buzz. I did another stint in DC when I was 20. That time, I was learning about why American's hate politics. I am back here at 22. This time, I'm learning to love living here, making a life for myself here. I think DC is one learning process at a time for me. Love doesn't always come as easily as we'd like for it. So sometimes, we have to learn these things.

Who I am with.. I suppose this is where it gets tricky. Let me start with this: I am so, very blessed to have family and friends on all sides of the world to be the support system I need and more. Whether they are a 350-mile to an upward 6,000-mile phone call away, I can always count on someone to pick up. But the real question here is, "Do you love who you are with?" As in, physically, alongside, in company of. I try my best to not confuse being alone with loneliness. For the most part, I am good about it. But it does get confusing when you are in desperate need of a hug, a real shoulder to cry on, someone to bake you cupcakes, someone to enjoy gin or vodka tonics with, or someone to not have to worry about awkward silences with.

I suppose I answered Yes to one-and-a-half of the questions.
Honestly, it's not easy being here. I have such a hard time with figuring out the things I need and the things I want. I cannot understand how I always end up in a place with cold weather when I know I absolutely dread it. I miss having friends within, at the very most, a 15 minute walk/drive from me.

But I am right where I need to be and I'm giving it my all.

changes

we are writing down days when bills need to be paid, sending emails to old friends, wondering if we'll receive our checks in time, choosing between job benefits or companies that align with our beliefs, getting excited about new office supplies, keeping track of our professional image, worrying about whether we'll be the other woman or if that even matters. we're trying to figure out if we're growing apart or growing together.. or if we're growing at all. 

mostly battling between what feels right & what is practical. 

image via ffffound

but i'm turning 22 & most days i feel like finding what dress to wear is still the biggest problem in my life.

so maybe things are a little more complicated then i'd like for them to be. but, i still get excited about ice cream, laughter is still always the best medicine. i still love watching animated movies, i will always have my best friend, my family still drives me insane, sun rises & sun sets are always so beautiful, i still cry at the end of Titanic, i still giggle when i talk about boys, i still have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning & love is always amazing. 

i'm leaving home in 22 days. i usually don't count down, but this time feels different. i don't know what different means just yet. i'll save that for another post.

so when i'm in the midst of change & i'm feeling scared & apprehensive.. i know there are some things that never change & i can find comfort and familiarity every where i go. 

College Classes: One thing I get to cross off my list.

3 negatives:

1. Again, petty co-workers. If there was a level below petty, they'd be there.

2. I got my test back & didn't do as well as I expected.

3. I don't have any clean clothes to wear.

3 positives:

1. G. made me lunch & a drink before class today.  It was quite amazing.

2. My family comes in 7 days.

3. I had dinner with M. & C. after having a rough meeting.  

It just hit me, today was my last day of classes for college.  I didn't even see it coming.  Because I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the things that need to get done, I cannot get in the right mindset to feel bittersweet about it.  I do not like this feeling at all.  College classes is such a unique forum where people from different backgrounds with different opinions, goals, hopes & dreams can come together to discuss intelligent (or even pseudo-intelligent) stuff.  I won't have that any more.  Even as I'm typing this, I am still feeling only overwhelmed.

A. & G. were talking yesterday of how they will miss college.  All they said was so true and so real. I know I will too. But right now, I can't focus on the great things college has/d to offer me.  All I have are tasks that need to be completed, a to-do list of many sorts, and motions to go through. 

I know that I have made a very conscious effort to enjoy every moment (including the difficult ones) but what scares me is that at the end, I won't know where the time has gone.  All ending as abruptly as I walked out of my last college class and not even realize it until hours later. I am not transitioning out of college.  I feel like I am practically kicking myself out.

I had my last meeting for JumpStart today.  Didn't see that one coming either.

oh Sinfest

This is what I wish finals week my life looked like..

YEP.

I'm going to blog everyday until I'm done with college which is in twelve days. They call this procrastination. 

I will start off with 3 negatives of the day:

1. My coworkers are really petty.

2. My land lord is a douche bag.

3. I still have so much I need to do.

3 positives:

1. I woke up on time.

2. It was my unofficial last day at work today.

3. I got to print out over 50 pages of research without any cost to me. 

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because my phone alerts me, basically screaming (or vibrating): YOU HAVE MAIL from Story People & Daily Guru Quotes!!!

& I really like it.  I feel like the world is telling me that even as I sleep, it is sending me good vibes.

Here is the Quote for the day:

The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation.

~Andrew Schneider

attempting to stay focused? fail.

I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally prepared for anything right now. College is about to end, I need to stay focused on deadlines & papers, start packing up, tying loose ends, prepare for my family's arrival (& energy), etc. 

Staying focused on school is my number one priority. Right now, I'm pretty much failing at it. Miserably. But that's alright, because I'm blessed with good company to fail along with me :)

I'm trying to think of clever and witty things to say about some things I've been up to lately. But I can't. Instead, here you go:

this is only a little of what Seattle spring can offer you

this is what best friends since the 5th grade looks like

this is what drinking 40s in the Law School looks like

this is what I'm hoping tonight will look like

P.S. you should watch UP :)

one of those days

some days, i feel sad

i just woke up feeling this way

just one of those days

"The Most Beautiful Heart"

This weekend was full of light, laughter, and love. 

I heard this over the weekend & thought I'd share.  

The Most Beautiful Heart
By Author Unknown

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.
A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared  "How can he say his heart is more beautiful?" they thought.
The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared."

"Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks.

He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.

Feelings

I am a thinker. It is not uncommon for me to appear emotionally detached or indifferent. Most of my decisions are based off of logic and rationale. I almost envy people who say, "It just feels right." I always say, "It's the right thing to do based on a. b. & c." I find myself going through the list of moods in MySpace and never putting anything because I don't know. While it's not particularly bad, it's not particularly good either. 

They teach you feelings in preschool. Maybe it's because I didn't go to preschool  that I missed out on all that.

So, I am going to teach myself emotions. 

Today, I feel sick.