Confidence.

Lately, I've been thinking about the ways I've grown as a person & as a woman. I've been thinking about how I've changed over the past years; how the places I've lived changed me; the things I've accomplished & failed. I've been thinking about my weaknesses & strengths. I've been thinking a lot about the people I care about & how despite distance separates us, my heart will never be in one physical location.

I've been thinking about how I walk differently, some times with an air of authority, confidence, & some times even arrogance. I've been thinking about how my experiences makes me feel mature, as if I am somebody. Some times I feel invincible, as if my heart cannot be easily broken.

Hat: c/o someone who broke my heart

Shades: Paul Frank

Earrings: Forever 21

This picture makes me laugh. I look like I go hard, looking pretty gangsta, if you ask me. But to keep it real, I was born & raised on an island that people think is a fruit & some times regards us as second-class citizens. I'm better about it but still feel insecure about my body. I'm not fragile, but I'm pretty sensitive. I still cry at romantic comedies. I am an idealist. I still want to save the world & the people in it. I still cross my arms because I am insecure & some times feel inadequate.

I am so blessed to have not experience true hardships or real loss in my life (yet). But the focus of this post isn't about how I am so blessed & would never take anything for granted.

This is a post about how I am not invincible & some times my thirst for experiences in this world worries me. I am worried about how at some points my heart feels hardened & mechanic & maybe the experiences I do end up having will be meaningless & I will only have been living a life of crossing things off a list. I am feeling far from God.

Sorry for the messiness & some heaviness in this post but, here's a site of quotes from some of my favorite hip hop artists. It'sIrrational

Really? It's not the weekend yet?

So the past week has been rough..
.. from losing 14 hours of hard work on a presentation, very long nights at the office, losing my main prospect for a job, & minor health issues.
& rough weeks aren't complete without the usual cherry on top situations like waking up late, walking into walls, tripping, forgetting your phone and wallet in one day (leaving you stranded).

Christine Hassler wrote a blog for Huffington Post. 

Are You Having a Quarterlife Crisis?
It seems pretty silly to think that I could be having a crisis. I did answer "Yes" to most of those questions.. but I also know I could have answered "Yes" to even more of those questions when I was ten. No lie. Sometimes, I can be an overachieving mess.
I'm not having a crisis and this is not me trying to convince myself that I'm not having a crisis either.

But not all is bad, right? I've been through worse. I'm over anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns anyway.
I can find solace in the decent weather, acts of kindness from strangers, good news for & from friends, constant support from my family and my efforts don't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Also, I really think God is saying, "It'll Be OK," when I put my iPod on shuffle & three of my favorite songs play back-to-back. So I know I'll be more than OK.

College Classes: One thing I get to cross off my list.

3 negatives:

1. Again, petty co-workers. If there was a level below petty, they'd be there.

2. I got my test back & didn't do as well as I expected.

3. I don't have any clean clothes to wear.

3 positives:

1. G. made me lunch & a drink before class today.  It was quite amazing.

2. My family comes in 7 days.

3. I had dinner with M. & C. after having a rough meeting.  

It just hit me, today was my last day of classes for college.  I didn't even see it coming.  Because I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the things that need to get done, I cannot get in the right mindset to feel bittersweet about it.  I do not like this feeling at all.  College classes is such a unique forum where people from different backgrounds with different opinions, goals, hopes & dreams can come together to discuss intelligent (or even pseudo-intelligent) stuff.  I won't have that any more.  Even as I'm typing this, I am still feeling only overwhelmed.

A. & G. were talking yesterday of how they will miss college.  All they said was so true and so real. I know I will too. But right now, I can't focus on the great things college has/d to offer me.  All I have are tasks that need to be completed, a to-do list of many sorts, and motions to go through. 

I know that I have made a very conscious effort to enjoy every moment (including the difficult ones) but what scares me is that at the end, I won't know where the time has gone.  All ending as abruptly as I walked out of my last college class and not even realize it until hours later. I am not transitioning out of college.  I feel like I am practically kicking myself out.

I had my last meeting for JumpStart today.  Didn't see that one coming either.

oh Sinfest

This is what I wish finals week my life looked like..

YEP.

I'm going to blog everyday until I'm done with college which is in twelve days. They call this procrastination. 

I will start off with 3 negatives of the day:

1. My coworkers are really petty.

2. My land lord is a douche bag.

3. I still have so much I need to do.

3 positives:

1. I woke up on time.

2. It was my unofficial last day at work today.

3. I got to print out over 50 pages of research without any cost to me. 

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because my phone alerts me, basically screaming (or vibrating): YOU HAVE MAIL from Story People & Daily Guru Quotes!!!

& I really like it.  I feel like the world is telling me that even as I sleep, it is sending me good vibes.

Here is the Quote for the day:

The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation.

~Andrew Schneider