Cool Story, Bro!

... is a saying I picked up from my brother...

... who visited me for two glorious week! I can tell you silly stories of how we had a hysterical laughing fit over Chinese subtitles at 1am or how we mimicked each others laughs while walking down the street or how we had epic jam sessions in the car or how we jumped railings to sit on the ledge by the East River or how we went to the same sushi place over & over again or how we made the Brooklyn Bridge our playground. But as I've learned over time, I suck at recounting stories. Plus, stories like those are a lot like inside jokes, funnier to us than anyone else.

It was unfortunate that I had to work while he visited but he managed to keep himself entertained during the day… napping or on the computer. I felt bad for a while that he wasn’t exploring what the city has to offer, except he was always so content with doing just that. It was so refreshing to be reminded that choosing to do nothing is in fact, doing something. I would come home & we would recap our days & he was always happy with all that he’s done, even if an adventure to him is walking to & from Subway for a lunchtime sandwich. I did force him to do one thing with me everyday though & it was usually walking through a park or going out for dinner.

It was just so much fun being with, not only my brother but, my best friend. The simplicity of our friendship is something you just don’t find very often in life... let alone siblings.

Another highlight of his visit was the mish-mash of people it brought together in which we’ve dubbed the NYCC: the NYC Crew. In what appeared to be a random turn of events of people coming & going in my life, it was perfect timing to have my brother, KLB & TGJ here & leaving all at the same time. I’m always nervous about having people from different parts of my life (family, an old college friend & a new friend, respectively) meet. But something I realized is that when you’re surrounded by amazing people, who do amazing things, pretty amazing things tend to happen. It’s as simple as that.

The bittersweet part of this is that all these amazing people left.

Those two weeks made me realize how much NYC isn’t so much of a home but is still a staging ground for what I’m still hoping to be a home & then there’s that cliché saying of, home is where the heart is. Well it’s hard finding a home when my heart is with too many different people all over the world.

Cheesy, I know… but true story, bro.

& Here is My New York Edition...

This was my DC edition.

The questions:

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

What am I doing? I spend a good portion of my day in an office working with different & often difficult personalities. Each day reminds me of how much the system can be a disservice to us all but also how there are people who are their only barrier. However, I really don't want to limit this answer to what my job is. I cannot let my job define who I am and what I am doing with my life. What I am doing is exploring who I am in the most isolated & independent way I have ever tried. I am creating a home for myself, by myself. I'm stumbling through my own obstacles & overcoming the ones others put before me.

I love where I'm at. New York City has always been a dream of mine. At 13, I first got off a bus onto a bustling street with a twinkle in my eye. Not much has changed ten years later. It's not even New York City that I am in love with, it's Brooklyn. Brooklyn, I feel like it's the place that falls nearly right at the cross section of my current needs & desires. But it's not only about how it's catering to my needs; I can go on about what Brooklyn offers but I think Larry King says it best, "Brooklyn taught survival, not in a morality sense but in a speak-up-for-what-you-want sense. You didn't get far by being shy in that town." That's what I love the most about it. Don't get me wrong, everything that shines ain't always gold (wow, now I'm just stealing lines, credit to Kid Cudi, hah). There are days where I feel exactly like this but I wouldn't be getting the full experience if everything had that twinkle, right?

I've met a character of people here & it's been an adventure getting to know them. But to say that I really know them or even that they know me would be a lie. I think we're no where close to scratching the surface. But also, there are a lot of complexities to getting to know someone & making that judgment call of whether or not you actually like them. Some of those complexities include length of time & consistency & I lack both elements in my social interactions so far here. However, in a city where people are so transient, sometimes all you need is someone's familiar presence & that is something I've been lucky at; lucky enough to find people I can try to build some familiarity with.
It'll never, ever be easy being away from the comfort of family & close friends. I am blessed enough though to at least have my best friend within the same state, hah!

I feel like I'm at the tipping point of all answers. But for right now, that's fine with me.

So..

I always start an entry but feel like I don't have anything significant to write & it ends up getting deleted. But here it is, a jumbled up entry with no real focus to it.

We are more than a month into 2010 & already I think it'll be one for the records. A little bit of nothing and everything has happened so far, so I really don't know why I say that but 2010 just feels like it'll be a year to truly remember.

My sleeping pattern for the past month has been so screwed up. It is nothing new for me to have lucid dreams, wake up drenched in cold sweat, or wake up in a jolt between 12:30-1:15am. I can't find any particular reason why sleep has been a problem lately but it really is bothersome.

Slowly but surely I am learning to cook. I'm making it a goal this year to master common Filipino dishes. I am finally proving to myself that I'm not completely hopeless in the kitchen.. just a little bit hopeless.

Since Christmas my mother has been asking me to make finding a significant other a priority. This quickly becomes a very awkward topic. Recently I found myself saying, "Don't be fooled by the niceties, this could be a bribe to get you to date me..."

Snow upsets me to no end; walking in it, even more so. I will say though that I truly appreciate seeing the sun during the winters here in the East Coast.
But alas, I'm going home in March for a week! Family, sun, & beach.. here I come!!

I miss Seattle a lot & the people & life that it came with. Yes, even a little bit of that college learning business. I'm still learning to love it here in Maryland/DC. It's been quite an experience here, but a lot of my heart still belongs in the 671 & 206.

3 Questions & Some Answers..

A good friend once shared some insight about how to tell if you're content. It can be gauged by 3 questions.

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

If you can answer "Yes" to two out of the three questions, then in general, you're a little more than content with your life.
It's high-stress time for me right now and it makes me think about these things.

I love what I am doing. I love my internship and the little, humbling part I play in the organization. It brings perspective into why I do what I do and why I want to do it. It brings me outside of myself and into the world. But I don't just love the work that I do. I also love what I am doing for myself and the plans I am working hard to make happen. So I love that all the things I am doing brings some balance between what I want to do and what it is I am meant to do.

I am learning to love where I am at. When I first visited Washington DC, I was 13 and it was such an exciting time for me! I was learning the in's and out's of the political buzz. I did another stint in DC when I was 20. That time, I was learning about why American's hate politics. I am back here at 22. This time, I'm learning to love living here, making a life for myself here. I think DC is one learning process at a time for me. Love doesn't always come as easily as we'd like for it. So sometimes, we have to learn these things.

Who I am with.. I suppose this is where it gets tricky. Let me start with this: I am so, very blessed to have family and friends on all sides of the world to be the support system I need and more. Whether they are a 350-mile to an upward 6,000-mile phone call away, I can always count on someone to pick up. But the real question here is, "Do you love who you are with?" As in, physically, alongside, in company of. I try my best to not confuse being alone with loneliness. For the most part, I am good about it. But it does get confusing when you are in desperate need of a hug, a real shoulder to cry on, someone to bake you cupcakes, someone to enjoy gin or vodka tonics with, or someone to not have to worry about awkward silences with.

I suppose I answered Yes to one-and-a-half of the questions.
Honestly, it's not easy being here. I have such a hard time with figuring out the things I need and the things I want. I cannot understand how I always end up in a place with cold weather when I know I absolutely dread it. I miss having friends within, at the very most, a 15 minute walk/drive from me.

But I am right where I need to be and I'm giving it my all.

changes

we are writing down days when bills need to be paid, sending emails to old friends, wondering if we'll receive our checks in time, choosing between job benefits or companies that align with our beliefs, getting excited about new office supplies, keeping track of our professional image, worrying about whether we'll be the other woman or if that even matters. we're trying to figure out if we're growing apart or growing together.. or if we're growing at all. 

mostly battling between what feels right & what is practical. 

image via ffffound

but i'm turning 22 & most days i feel like finding what dress to wear is still the biggest problem in my life.

so maybe things are a little more complicated then i'd like for them to be. but, i still get excited about ice cream, laughter is still always the best medicine. i still love watching animated movies, i will always have my best friend, my family still drives me insane, sun rises & sun sets are always so beautiful, i still cry at the end of Titanic, i still giggle when i talk about boys, i still have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning & love is always amazing. 

i'm leaving home in 22 days. i usually don't count down, but this time feels different. i don't know what different means just yet. i'll save that for another post.

so when i'm in the midst of change & i'm feeling scared & apprehensive.. i know there are some things that never change & i can find comfort and familiarity every where i go. 

game face : ON

negatives:

1. drinking way too much red bull

2. still haven't started research or writing a 10-12 page paper due friday

3. at the 20 page requirement but no where near done with putting in the information and analysis;  possible 25+ pages

positives:

1. feeling a lot of love & support from friends

2. won't have to be responsible for paying july's rent

3. i came here with a plan & i'm making it happen

took the midnight train going everywhere..

I know I said I would blog "every day until graduation."  Clearly I failed at that.  I started writing one yesterday but then I was gladly interrupted by a friend who brought me beer and good conversation. Then I started writing another one at 3AM after a night out.  I'll save you from the words that I wrote but here's a little of what I was going to post at 3AM: 

K. said if I need to feel inspired, watch this :)

Sometimes, it can't be helped to feel joy when breaking out into a song & dance number when walking with good friends. 

College Classes: One thing I get to cross off my list.

3 negatives:

1. Again, petty co-workers. If there was a level below petty, they'd be there.

2. I got my test back & didn't do as well as I expected.

3. I don't have any clean clothes to wear.

3 positives:

1. G. made me lunch & a drink before class today.  It was quite amazing.

2. My family comes in 7 days.

3. I had dinner with M. & C. after having a rough meeting.  

It just hit me, today was my last day of classes for college.  I didn't even see it coming.  Because I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the things that need to get done, I cannot get in the right mindset to feel bittersweet about it.  I do not like this feeling at all.  College classes is such a unique forum where people from different backgrounds with different opinions, goals, hopes & dreams can come together to discuss intelligent (or even pseudo-intelligent) stuff.  I won't have that any more.  Even as I'm typing this, I am still feeling only overwhelmed.

A. & G. were talking yesterday of how they will miss college.  All they said was so true and so real. I know I will too. But right now, I can't focus on the great things college has/d to offer me.  All I have are tasks that need to be completed, a to-do list of many sorts, and motions to go through. 

I know that I have made a very conscious effort to enjoy every moment (including the difficult ones) but what scares me is that at the end, I won't know where the time has gone.  All ending as abruptly as I walked out of my last college class and not even realize it until hours later. I am not transitioning out of college.  I feel like I am practically kicking myself out.

I had my last meeting for JumpStart today.  Didn't see that one coming either.

oh Sinfest

This is what I wish finals week my life looked like..

attempting to stay focused? fail.

I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally prepared for anything right now. College is about to end, I need to stay focused on deadlines & papers, start packing up, tying loose ends, prepare for my family's arrival (& energy), etc. 

Staying focused on school is my number one priority. Right now, I'm pretty much failing at it. Miserably. But that's alright, because I'm blessed with good company to fail along with me :)

I'm trying to think of clever and witty things to say about some things I've been up to lately. But I can't. Instead, here you go:

this is only a little of what Seattle spring can offer you

this is what best friends since the 5th grade looks like

this is what drinking 40s in the Law School looks like

this is what I'm hoping tonight will look like

P.S. you should watch UP :)

"The Most Beautiful Heart"

This weekend was full of light, laughter, and love. 

I heard this over the weekend & thought I'd share.  

The Most Beautiful Heart
By Author Unknown

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.
A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared  "How can he say his heart is more beautiful?" they thought.
The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared."

"Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks.

He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.

Spread Them!

You can't be a bitter old wo/man in a world like this.
There's just too much love around :)

Spring Break

I spent Spring Break in Los Angeles & Vegas.  It was wonderful, restful, & filled with good moments.  I spent it with new & old friends, in the sun, eating a lot, reading, & in the car... a lot.  So to the people who helped me fill in my Spring Break, infinite thanks! 

It was what I needed:)

Venice. 

Looking out from inside.

Venice Beach. 

I bet he's been on a lot of adventures in his long life. 

He's retired now & likes to take long walks on the beach.

He seemed like a George to me.

Santa Monica Pier. 

Beautiful Day.

Mt. Shasta.  

Road to North.

Las Vegas. 

It was windy this night but was welcomed brightly. 

New York New York. 

I got lucky on this shot; images were going very quickly. 

It was a Spring Break Escape.

MGM. RAWR. 

I have this theory, that because his exterior is some sort of bronze metal

that his heart is actually made out of gold.

I bet he's actually a sweetheart stuck in a city of sinners. 

The Cupcakery Goodness. 

We celebrated a friend's birthday! 

Parking Lot Night. 

We got bubble tea, sat out in a parking lot, took pictures, & laughed. a lot. 

4AM. 

We played Cranium, sculpted & laughed.