Why?

This resonates with me so much as of late...

I can tell you a few key places I would much rather be, accompanied by a select few.. & it tears me apart some nights. I'm affected especially in the mornings, right as I wake up.. A heavy sigh sits on my chest & a few exhales don't relieve it. It sort of just lingers there like a perched bird, wanting to leave but still trying to find the motivation to do so.

I mean, it leaves eventually as the day goes on.. Mostly because I move too quickly for that sorrow to follow me around.

I've always been fearless in a sense & confident in my choices. I am not one to think there is a "golden ticket" that I have (or will) missed out on. I suppose because every opportunity I take is the only ticket there is.. it is THE ticket. Taking me exactly where I need to go.

It's my faith in the unknown; my path of curiosity..

& in trying to make sense as to why I am here & not where my heart is, the romanticism & idealism I have in life makes me think of this:

"When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible."

~Jonathan Safran Foer

I am sure that when I look back at this point in my life, everything will make sense.

Bring Light

Prayer of St. Francis Before the Cross at San Damiano

Most High glorious, God, bring light to the darkness of my heart. Give me right faith, certain hope and perfect charity, so I can always observe your holy and true command.

Amen.

Timeless Throwbacks

I went home this past week (watch out for a proper recap on my trip!) & I was on this mission to find some books I wanted to take back with me. So I opened up all these boxes I packed up years ago. & cue: nostalgia!

I found old journals, letters, cards & trinkets written by people who remain in my life & have chaptered out. I never noticed how sentimental I was until I went through all these old things. My 16th birthday sash, notes I passed in high school, spoons from Family Breakfasts with BH & GS, a paper flower from a wedding I crashed with AT, postcards from MAK's time in Mexico & so much more. These little things warped me back in time to those moments.

I read old journals & I scoffed at my cheesiness & immaturity. I pined for old flames, lingered a little at my What If moments, answered & reflected on those open-ended questions, left baffeled at how things all worked out, relived heartbreaks & failures, cowered in my shame, stood by the tough decisions I made, was enthralled by my youthfullness, laughed out loud at those I Can't Believe I Did That & Lived moments..

My mom & I were talking about me leaving & how in it's roundabout way I am getting exactly what I wanted, a chance to travel & see the world. It's funny how that even two years after writing this particular entry I am going where I had dreams of!

In college, we were often thrown this question to us:

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

~Mary Oliver

& I answered it always the same... To live it in...

Love. Compassion. Authenticity.

Tibetan Prayer Flags made with intention & love from my Silent Angel ;) in 2008

What I realized through this stroll down memory lane is that there are certain emotions, experiences & people that remain timeless. There are also very small fleeting moments & transient people, but through our time here they're just as meaningful as the bigger ones. Life really is simple, just never easy. You don't always get what you want but just what you need..

I can feed you more cliches, but I'll leave you with this..

This was my last entry from my journal circa February 2007 to August 2008. No edits, so excuse grammatical errors..

August 23, 2008

"Danica, have faith in yourself, always. Love & be loved & allow yourself room for mistakes. Be forgiving to yourself & others. Love & hate wisely without a blind eye and judge where you see fit but be fair. You are beautiful. The people around you are beautiful. Love & always have faith."

Just the Essentials

Eliminating desire for all that doesn't really matter.

~M. Zuckerberg

The simple, yet loaded, question was posed to me a few days ago: What is it you're looking for?

So I've been reflecting on this, or to use RR's metaphor, putting all the puzzle pieces together to make sense of everything.

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what is most important in my life, what it is that I want & how that all fits into what it is I feel my purpose in this life is.

So for the past few years, I've been struggling to remove people, activities, things, & emotions from my life that kept me stagnant & trying to add more of what was most conducive to a life of service. I've been trying to align my desires with a focused life & I can tell you now that it's going to be a life-long process for me. But through this process of stripping down to just the essentials, I've found some direction & it seems like I've narrowed it down.

source: f*ckyeahhappy.tumblr.com

I want to say that I feel like I've had some sort of breakthrough, but I don't. It's almost as if I've known this all along, but was just never able to articulate it. More importantly, now that I can say it, I feel more apt to doing it.

On another note:

November, how did you get here so quickly?!

& I believe my room has an infestation of lady bugs, this is the third one I've seen this week...

& I'm ok with that :)

& if you're curious to know what my answer to the question of, "What is it you're looking for?"

... I answered, "A home."

Not Much At All..

Lately, I've been feeling uninspired.

As if my senses have been dulled & my appetite for life is stagnant. I can tell when days have turned to weeks & weeks to months & not much is to show for my time.

I guess this is what a sitting duck does: Sits.

I wish I could even say that as I'm sitting I'm gaining some sort of knowledge of myself or exploring different aspects of the world around me.

But I am not.

I'm not particularly bored or unmotivated.

I've just been here.

& I just wonder where here is.

Happy 2nd Year Anniversary to you & I, East Coast!

We get along real well, but I think we're just starting to settle for each other.

Oh Irene!

So Hurricane Irene trudged through the East Coast this past weekend.

I got a call Friday afternoon that my Unit is on standby. Ok, HOOAH!

This was a very long, anxious weekend spent waiting for a call, monitoring Irene's movements & some long overdue quality time with the roommates.

gear READY TO GO!

Seeing the prep for the storm brought back memories of my childhood on Guam. It definitely made me feel homesick for my family.

I have a folder full of Skype Date photos with my family. Here are some of my favorites:

my dad trying to cool the rice down.

sunday brunch time.

i forgot what this was all about, but my brother's face is priceless.

this was on my birthday

my mom was telling us this really epic story about how her & my dad met.

then they both froze because they heard my dad coming.

& this was their look of extreme excitement for the upcoming picture...

birthday cake & song :)

& then they fed each other MY cake -__-"

I love my family ♥

Anyway, I'm glad to know that the casualty numbers are low & damages are currently being assessed. Prayers go out to those severely affected by the storm.

+ 365 Days

This past weekend someone I casually dated about a year ago texted me. It was so unexpected most especially because I hadn’t spoken or seen him since about this time last year. After our “small talk” over text, he invited me to go out for some drinks with him that night. I was tempted to catch up but then I remembered why he was no longer part of my life. So I politely declined & placed him exactly where he needed to be, in my past. His absence has opened up space for others.

The focus though of this whole reconnection though is not about old flames, but more about time & memories.

It’s birthday season & I’m in that reflection phase of the past year. Recalling who I was then, who I am now & who I will be. This past year (along with most of my others) was a roller coaster filled with emotions, mistakes, triumphs, failures, learning experiences, changes… all still sprinkled with support, friends & family, & blessings all around.

The seasons of this past year are filled with distinct memories. This time last year I was romantically indifferent, sitting on my recruitment process for the NYARNG, itching to go back to school. Fall was filled with an excitement of enlisting & a mistake of an affair that led to my demise. Winter was highlighted by visiting my family, friends leaving, recuperating from a heartbreak & prepping for Basic Combat Training. Spring was spent in South Carolina training, training, training to become a Soldier. Finally, this Summer was spent mainly reevaluating the important things in my life, figuring out the things I need to cut out & add more of, & also being a sitting duck until the next season when bigger things are in store for me.

But I think about all those things that happened, most especially the things I lost sleep over or was a nervous wreck about, & it seems so surreal that they are just things of the past now. My life was engulfed by those moments.
& now, they no longer are.

Now, there are different moments.
Mostly with the same people but with some new characters.
Same setting this time around but different atmosphere.
Different mindset.

So here’s to a new year & all the things it’ll bring my way!

Cool Story, Bro!

... is a saying I picked up from my brother...

... who visited me for two glorious week! I can tell you silly stories of how we had a hysterical laughing fit over Chinese subtitles at 1am or how we mimicked each others laughs while walking down the street or how we had epic jam sessions in the car or how we jumped railings to sit on the ledge by the East River or how we went to the same sushi place over & over again or how we made the Brooklyn Bridge our playground. But as I've learned over time, I suck at recounting stories. Plus, stories like those are a lot like inside jokes, funnier to us than anyone else.

It was unfortunate that I had to work while he visited but he managed to keep himself entertained during the day… napping or on the computer. I felt bad for a while that he wasn’t exploring what the city has to offer, except he was always so content with doing just that. It was so refreshing to be reminded that choosing to do nothing is in fact, doing something. I would come home & we would recap our days & he was always happy with all that he’s done, even if an adventure to him is walking to & from Subway for a lunchtime sandwich. I did force him to do one thing with me everyday though & it was usually walking through a park or going out for dinner.

It was just so much fun being with, not only my brother but, my best friend. The simplicity of our friendship is something you just don’t find very often in life... let alone siblings.

Another highlight of his visit was the mish-mash of people it brought together in which we’ve dubbed the NYCC: the NYC Crew. In what appeared to be a random turn of events of people coming & going in my life, it was perfect timing to have my brother, KLB & TGJ here & leaving all at the same time. I’m always nervous about having people from different parts of my life (family, an old college friend & a new friend, respectively) meet. But something I realized is that when you’re surrounded by amazing people, who do amazing things, pretty amazing things tend to happen. It’s as simple as that.

The bittersweet part of this is that all these amazing people left.

Those two weeks made me realize how much NYC isn’t so much of a home but is still a staging ground for what I’m still hoping to be a home & then there’s that cliché saying of, home is where the heart is. Well it’s hard finding a home when my heart is with too many different people all over the world.

Cheesy, I know… but true story, bro.

This Seems So Dramatic.

But emotionally, I feel like I'm rolling down a very, very steep hill of poop.

Oh! But being with my brother was fun & I promise I'll do a recap of that soon.