Uncertainty Principle

Tired of knowing everything without ever
being sure
~B. Andreas

So I find myself in a situation where I am on a fence; the very edge of it, where tipping over can take me to very different yards.

I’ve learned enough about myself to know the things I want. I also know enough that I am not afraid to ask for it. I am not afraid to work for it. The things I want in life, my future as undefined as they are, they are things worth fighting for.

So what do I do? All I can do for right now is sit there. I'll swing my legs for now & enjoy the view. There won’t be another time when it’s as easy as this.

There Isn't Anything to Fix

But..

Lights will guide you home.

Day 23.

Of non-stop work.

It's Saturday morning & I'm working out of a shopping center..

Not quite how I imagined spending my holiday season.. but it is what it is, right...

Anyway, I've been quite the busy bee over here. The days have been flying by which has been great.. but EVERYDAY feels like Monday.

• What's a Friday night when you wake up for work the next morning. Did I miss that memo... there is such a thing as a weekend? I thought that was just something dreams were made of!
• I think a 6am wake up is such a pleasant sleep-in time, I feel so rested that I only need three cups of coffee that day.
• I heard my brother's voice for the first time in months a few weeks ago.. that was equivalent to 24 year's worth of Christmases.
• Being seen without "THE BOOK" (my planner) is almost unheard of. Even unacceptable!
• That constant tired, sore feeling in your muscles & ache at your joints? That's normal actually.
• Getting mail, oh how I LOVE getting mail! We make jokes of sending each other mail because of the feeling we get when our name is called during mail-call. Even more than receiving mail, I love being the one passing out mail! I feel like Santa Clause everyday!

I vaguely remember having a social life, living in the city, even being able to struggle with what I'm going to wear for the day! We'll put that life on pause for now & will resume at a later time.

It's a simple though.

Do as your told, adjust to changes & push through with all you've got.

Something I can appreciate today was what my superior said to me,

"My glass is always half full even when it's empty.."

Why?

This resonates with me so much as of late...

I can tell you a few key places I would much rather be, accompanied by a select few.. & it tears me apart some nights. I'm affected especially in the mornings, right as I wake up.. A heavy sigh sits on my chest & a few exhales don't relieve it. It sort of just lingers there like a perched bird, wanting to leave but still trying to find the motivation to do so.

I mean, it leaves eventually as the day goes on.. Mostly because I move too quickly for that sorrow to follow me around.

I've always been fearless in a sense & confident in my choices. I am not one to think there is a "golden ticket" that I have (or will) missed out on. I suppose because every opportunity I take is the only ticket there is.. it is THE ticket. Taking me exactly where I need to go.

It's my faith in the unknown; my path of curiosity..

& in trying to make sense as to why I am here & not where my heart is, the romanticism & idealism I have in life makes me think of this:

"When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible."

~Jonathan Safran Foer

I am sure that when I look back at this point in my life, everything will make sense.

Bring Light

Prayer of St. Francis Before the Cross at San Damiano

Most High glorious, God, bring light to the darkness of my heart. Give me right faith, certain hope and perfect charity, so I can always observe your holy and true command.

Amen.

Timeless Throwbacks

I went home this past week (watch out for a proper recap on my trip!) & I was on this mission to find some books I wanted to take back with me. So I opened up all these boxes I packed up years ago. & cue: nostalgia!

I found old journals, letters, cards & trinkets written by people who remain in my life & have chaptered out. I never noticed how sentimental I was until I went through all these old things. My 16th birthday sash, notes I passed in high school, spoons from Family Breakfasts with BH & GS, a paper flower from a wedding I crashed with AT, postcards from MAK's time in Mexico & so much more. These little things warped me back in time to those moments.

I read old journals & I scoffed at my cheesiness & immaturity. I pined for old flames, lingered a little at my What If moments, answered & reflected on those open-ended questions, left baffeled at how things all worked out, relived heartbreaks & failures, cowered in my shame, stood by the tough decisions I made, was enthralled by my youthfullness, laughed out loud at those I Can't Believe I Did That & Lived moments..

My mom & I were talking about me leaving & how in it's roundabout way I am getting exactly what I wanted, a chance to travel & see the world. It's funny how that even two years after writing this particular entry I am going where I had dreams of!

In college, we were often thrown this question to us:

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

~Mary Oliver

& I answered it always the same... To live it in...

Love. Compassion. Authenticity.

Tibetan Prayer Flags made with intention & love from my Silent Angel ;) in 2008

What I realized through this stroll down memory lane is that there are certain emotions, experiences & people that remain timeless. There are also very small fleeting moments & transient people, but through our time here they're just as meaningful as the bigger ones. Life really is simple, just never easy. You don't always get what you want but just what you need..

I can feed you more cliches, but I'll leave you with this..

This was my last entry from my journal circa February 2007 to August 2008. No edits, so excuse grammatical errors..

August 23, 2008

"Danica, have faith in yourself, always. Love & be loved & allow yourself room for mistakes. Be forgiving to yourself & others. Love & hate wisely without a blind eye and judge where you see fit but be fair. You are beautiful. The people around you are beautiful. Love & always have faith."

Just the Essentials

Eliminating desire for all that doesn't really matter.

~M. Zuckerberg

The simple, yet loaded, question was posed to me a few days ago: What is it you're looking for?

So I've been reflecting on this, or to use RR's metaphor, putting all the puzzle pieces together to make sense of everything.

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what is most important in my life, what it is that I want & how that all fits into what it is I feel my purpose in this life is.

So for the past few years, I've been struggling to remove people, activities, things, & emotions from my life that kept me stagnant & trying to add more of what was most conducive to a life of service. I've been trying to align my desires with a focused life & I can tell you now that it's going to be a life-long process for me. But through this process of stripping down to just the essentials, I've found some direction & it seems like I've narrowed it down.

source: f*ckyeahhappy.tumblr.com

I want to say that I feel like I've had some sort of breakthrough, but I don't. It's almost as if I've known this all along, but was just never able to articulate it. More importantly, now that I can say it, I feel more apt to doing it.

On another note:

November, how did you get here so quickly?!

& I believe my room has an infestation of lady bugs, this is the third one I've seen this week...

& I'm ok with that :)

& if you're curious to know what my answer to the question of, "What is it you're looking for?"

... I answered, "A home."

Not Much At All..

Lately, I've been feeling uninspired.

As if my senses have been dulled & my appetite for life is stagnant. I can tell when days have turned to weeks & weeks to months & not much is to show for my time.

I guess this is what a sitting duck does: Sits.

I wish I could even say that as I'm sitting I'm gaining some sort of knowledge of myself or exploring different aspects of the world around me.

But I am not.

I'm not particularly bored or unmotivated.

I've just been here.

& I just wonder where here is.

Happy 2nd Year Anniversary to you & I, East Coast!

We get along real well, but I think we're just starting to settle for each other.

Oh Irene!

So Hurricane Irene trudged through the East Coast this past weekend.

I got a call Friday afternoon that my Unit is on standby. Ok, HOOAH!

This was a very long, anxious weekend spent waiting for a call, monitoring Irene's movements & some long overdue quality time with the roommates.

gear READY TO GO!

Seeing the prep for the storm brought back memories of my childhood on Guam. It definitely made me feel homesick for my family.

I have a folder full of Skype Date photos with my family. Here are some of my favorites:

my dad trying to cool the rice down.

sunday brunch time.

i forgot what this was all about, but my brother's face is priceless.

this was on my birthday

my mom was telling us this really epic story about how her & my dad met.

then they both froze because they heard my dad coming.

& this was their look of extreme excitement for the upcoming picture...

birthday cake & song :)

& then they fed each other MY cake -__-"

I love my family ♥

Anyway, I'm glad to know that the casualty numbers are low & damages are currently being assessed. Prayers go out to those severely affected by the storm.