It Gets Loud In Here Too

In a world filled with noise, we need to quiet ourselves to hear God’s voice.
Paul Borthwick

My Wish for the Next 10 Years...

I was asked this question recently & this was what came out...

I wish in the next 10 years that I can love more and love better. I wish that I can continue to have faith in the power & vulnerability of love. I wish that in 10 years I can continue to grow with the love I receive and am denied. I wish that I can understand and teach that love in its most pure form is simple, unconditional and forgiving. Within the next 10 years, I wish that myself and others will grow with compassion and mutual understanding that love of all kinds is the truth.

I also wish that, I can continue this for 10 more years after..

"In New York, we don't think... We just DO."

Quote courtesy of FA.

From Washington DC, I drove a U-Haul to Brooklyn, NY March 22, 2010. That's about 3 months after I was standing outside my best friend's apartment in Poughkeepsie, NY & I had firmly decided, "I am making a childhood dream happen. I am moving to New York City this year!"

About two months have passed since the move. It has been two months of adventures, new people, new insights, good times and hardships. There's too much of this city I have yet to explore, experience, love & dread. But I've had my fair share of experiences considering my short time here & I am enjoying every minute of it. Even in the midst of confusion & constant noise, I am learning so much & growing from it.

A prominent theme I caught on to: You need a serious ego & backbone to survive here. Survival versus living. Anyone can live in New York City. But this is a city you need to survive in. It will chew you up, swallow, spit you back out & repeat if not proceeded with caution. A constant struggle, sink or swim, do or die, go big or go home... I think all those cliches were born in NYC.. & possibly perfected elsewhere.

Whether you'll survive is grounded in how much you believe in yourself mentally, emotionally, & physically and whether or not you can say yes or no with conviction & I see the difference between surviving & living. If you don't have either, you better start working on it.

But how elitist of me to say all of that! Who am I to say that this only happens in NYC? In a recent e-mail response to some of my observations here a good friend of mine said, "New York may not be built for the weak, but I think simply living is not for the weak." (Thanks for that by the way, BH.)

However, not all my reflections of New York City are based on observation of others. There's been a lot of self-reflection. Whenever someone undergoes any sort of significant change, so many questions arise. Who am I? How do I relate in this world, my surroundings & the people in it? ... Just to name a few.

Lately, I've been taking walks along the Shore Promenade in my neighborhood. They've been quiet, considering. But I've been thinking about the questions, the answers, and the attempts to find both...

... time for another stroll.

I'll Explain More Later

i'm full of empty goodbyes.

i guess i was supposed to leave this all behind. it might've worked in a different life but this is the one i have and i'll keep it.

this will be better for me.
there is no other way.

Who Ever Said

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

chocolate peanut butter cookies
LIED!

...or maybe I'm just an epic failure. Sigh.

A Different Type of Serenity Prayer

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Marilyn Monroe

So..

I always start an entry but feel like I don't have anything significant to write & it ends up getting deleted. But here it is, a jumbled up entry with no real focus to it.

We are more than a month into 2010 & already I think it'll be one for the records. A little bit of nothing and everything has happened so far, so I really don't know why I say that but 2010 just feels like it'll be a year to truly remember.

My sleeping pattern for the past month has been so screwed up. It is nothing new for me to have lucid dreams, wake up drenched in cold sweat, or wake up in a jolt between 12:30-1:15am. I can't find any particular reason why sleep has been a problem lately but it really is bothersome.

Slowly but surely I am learning to cook. I'm making it a goal this year to master common Filipino dishes. I am finally proving to myself that I'm not completely hopeless in the kitchen.. just a little bit hopeless.

Since Christmas my mother has been asking me to make finding a significant other a priority. This quickly becomes a very awkward topic. Recently I found myself saying, "Don't be fooled by the niceties, this could be a bribe to get you to date me..."

Snow upsets me to no end; walking in it, even more so. I will say though that I truly appreciate seeing the sun during the winters here in the East Coast.
But alas, I'm going home in March for a week! Family, sun, & beach.. here I come!!

I miss Seattle a lot & the people & life that it came with. Yes, even a little bit of that college learning business. I'm still learning to love it here in Maryland/DC. It's been quite an experience here, but a lot of my heart still belongs in the 671 & 206.

Pretty Much It..

You don't know about my past
& I don't have a future figured out
& maybe this is going too fast
& maybe it's not meant to last

but what do you say to taking chances?

Thanks, I Needed This

Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are.

Julia Cameron

3 Questions & Some Answers..

A good friend once shared some insight about how to tell if you're content. It can be gauged by 3 questions.

Do you love what you're doing?
Do you love where you're at?
Do you love who you're with?

If you can answer "Yes" to two out of the three questions, then in general, you're a little more than content with your life.
It's high-stress time for me right now and it makes me think about these things.

I love what I am doing. I love my internship and the little, humbling part I play in the organization. It brings perspective into why I do what I do and why I want to do it. It brings me outside of myself and into the world. But I don't just love the work that I do. I also love what I am doing for myself and the plans I am working hard to make happen. So I love that all the things I am doing brings some balance between what I want to do and what it is I am meant to do.

I am learning to love where I am at. When I first visited Washington DC, I was 13 and it was such an exciting time for me! I was learning the in's and out's of the political buzz. I did another stint in DC when I was 20. That time, I was learning about why American's hate politics. I am back here at 22. This time, I'm learning to love living here, making a life for myself here. I think DC is one learning process at a time for me. Love doesn't always come as easily as we'd like for it. So sometimes, we have to learn these things.

Who I am with.. I suppose this is where it gets tricky. Let me start with this: I am so, very blessed to have family and friends on all sides of the world to be the support system I need and more. Whether they are a 350-mile to an upward 6,000-mile phone call away, I can always count on someone to pick up. But the real question here is, "Do you love who you are with?" As in, physically, alongside, in company of. I try my best to not confuse being alone with loneliness. For the most part, I am good about it. But it does get confusing when you are in desperate need of a hug, a real shoulder to cry on, someone to bake you cupcakes, someone to enjoy gin or vodka tonics with, or someone to not have to worry about awkward silences with.

I suppose I answered Yes to one-and-a-half of the questions.
Honestly, it's not easy being here. I have such a hard time with figuring out the things I need and the things I want. I cannot understand how I always end up in a place with cold weather when I know I absolutely dread it. I miss having friends within, at the very most, a 15 minute walk/drive from me.

But I am right where I need to be and I'm giving it my all.